14/11/2025
Once again this year, I’ve had people asking for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe, so here it is. Please save it somewhere because I’m getting sick of typing this up every year.
(I made mine this past weekend, so I’m already ahead of you!)
Ingredients:
1 cup sugar
1 tsp baking powder
1 cup water
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle of vodka
2 cups dried fruit
Method:
1. First, sample a cup of vodka to check the quality. This is very important.
2. Take a large bowl and check the vodka again, just to be absolutely sure it is of the highest standard.
Repeat as necessary.
3. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar and beat again.
4. At this point, make sure the vodka is still OK. Try another cup. You can never be too careful.
5. Turn off the… mixer… mixer-thing. Whatever it’s called.
6. Break two eggs and add them to the bowl, then chuck in the dried fruit.
When the fruit lands on the floor, pick it up, wash it, and add it to the bowl one piece at a time while pretending you can count.
7. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit… sorry… dried fruit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a screwdriver.
8. Sample the vodka again to test for consistency.
9. Sift two cups of… salt? Flour? Something white. It’ll be fine.
10. Check the vodka again.
11. Now shift the lemon juice. Or s**t the lemon juice. At this point nobody cares.
12. Strain your nuts. That part is up to you.
13. Add one table. Yes. The whole table.
14. Add a spoon of sugar or something. Whatever you can find first.
15. Grease the oven. Or the cake tin. Or both.
16. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
17. Do not forget to beat off the turner. Very important.
18. Finally, throw the entire bowl through the window.
19. Finish the vodka and wipe the counter with the cat.
🤪😜🍾