http://www.codependentlife.com/

Codependent Life, Jacksonville, FL (2026)

01/25/2020

Enabling is a dicey and risky way to live. Every time we covered up for our alcoholic/addict and make it easier for them to drink or use we make it easier for them to drink or use without consequences. Every time We financially covered for them we help pay for them to continue to drink without consequences. Every single time We run interference for them we help them sidestep and dodge the consequences for their poor choices. They have no reason to change because our enabling gives them a clear path way to do whatever they darned well please. In reality We are not helping, We are depriving them of facing the reality of their own choices. And, often times through our enabling we are the ones that pay and experience all of the negative fallout from their poor choices.

Understanding enabling and stopping it, are two different things. Preventing ourself from jumping in and saving their hide is like an itch that desperately needs to be scratched. Our mind runs way out into the weeds worrying about all of the bad things that could happen if If we don’t come to the rescue. We second guessed ourselves many times trying to override our natural instinct to rationalize why what we are doing is not enabling.

Most of us heard the Golden Rule-Do unto others as I would have them do unto you. But not many of us have heard the Silver Rule - Don't do for others what they should do for themselves.

01/23/2020

Living with alcoholism/addiction is daunting to say the least. For the people who live with a loved one, or someone, who struggles with an addiction the uncertainty and the helplessness of daily exposure to that environment leads to fear and resentment. As long as I was angry I pushed myself to survive. In my mind I was going win over the chaos in my life. But when I finally hit the wall of despair and helplessness, I lost hope. Even my anger could not push me to keep going. I just did not care what happened anymore. I did not believe there was anyway out of the pain and shambles of my life.

I know that this is not going to make any sense, but even though I felt hopeless, I simply could not let go and walk away from my alcoholic. At that time I did not know that my life was separate from his life. I saw myself as an extension of him. Even though I dreamed and fantasied about being free and away from him, at the same time I could not imagine my life without him. There is no doubt that I had some pretty messed up thinking. I could not explain it to myself, and I sure as heck could not explain it to all of my family and friends who were constantly trying to tell me what to do.

When I first heard that first step - “We admit that we are powerless over his addiction to alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable” - I though great, just another nail in my coffin! I knew there was no hope. What the heck did I come to this stupid meeting for! I did not want to be told that I needed to accept powerlessness! Darn it! I wanted a message of hope and that first step was just confirming what I already faced day in and day out. There was no hope.

That type of negative thinking is just one of the reasons they encourage new people to go to meetings for 6 or 8 weeks before they make a decision about the recovery program. Back when I started they encouraged us to go a minimum of 90 meetings before we made any type of decision about whether we were going to continue or not. Believe me, I need all 90 meetings to hear the true meaning, the meaning of hope, from the first step.

It was through those 90 meetings that I “heard” that I was not an extension of him. A seed of hope had been planted. I was not only not an extension of him, but I was not responsible for him and the decisions that he made. Another ray of hope. It was also through those 90 meetings that I heard that I was responsible for me. Even though I heard it, I did not have the courage at that time to act on it. Interestingly enough they closed every meeting with the phrase “keep coming back - it works if you work it.”

So I kept going back. I really did not have anywhere else to go. I had angered and worn out all of my family and friends. They didn’t want to hear it anymore and I didn’t want to hear their advice anymore either. That was one of the things about my recovery program that I liked. No body told me what to do. They shared what their life was, or had been, like. They told me what they did to help themselves. And, they shared how they lived their life ,each day, living in the same kind of chaos that I lived in. I wasn’t judged for not “working the program.” They shared the beauty of the program and allowed me the dignity to accept it or not. They helped me stay in the moment and live One Day At A Time, and when necessary, one moment at a time.

I would get so frustrated with myself because I wanted to follow the guidelines and go from defeat and pessimism to hope and optimism overnight, but that is not how it happened for me. They explained to me how I did not get this way over night . I needed to keep and open mind and I needed be kind to myself. This type of acceptance and unconditional love carried me, and lifted me up when I was fragile and barely hanging on at times. And over time I learned that they were right - “it works if you work it.”

01/20/2020

Codependency is definitely a survival skill. We aren't born this way; it is a learned behavior that is learned one painful lesson at a time. The negative experiences in our life don't just hurt us they change us as well. Unless we get help and reprogram how we think about life we will pass on to our children the only life we know - codependency. We teach our children by our words and our actions the world as we believe it ourselves.

I became a people pleaser very early in my life. It was a survival skill that was necessary for me to avoid hurt or pain. I learned to keep my parent happy at all cost, because when they were not happy it caused great punishment and hurt to me. I jumped through hoops, ate things I didn’t like, did things I hated doing, canceled my plans, did not make plans, did things that were not my responsibility in the first place, said and did things that I knew were wrong all to avoid physical or emotional pain.

I learned to cope two ways: Either through submission and people pleasing or by an all consuming obsessive need to control the people and events in my life. I would first try to control and when that did not work I would throw myself under the bus to win approval and acceptance. Sometimes I believed that I must be a bad person and that everything was my fault. Other times I was angry and defiant. I was on an emotional roller-coaster and I hated the feeling.

I will always be grateful for the alcoholic in my life because that broken relationship was what I needed to push me right over the edge. I finally reached a breaking point and ended up in one of those 12 Step Recovery meetings and my life changed dramatically forever to something so good I could not even imagine something this good on my own. It wasn’t over night and there were many obstacles along the way, but the sweet sweet reward of self-love and acceptance was worth it.

Through my recovery program I learned to be at peace with myself. I have learned that I will never please some people no matter how much I may want too. It does not matter how successful I am, how much money I make, who I hang out with, or what I do, I am just not going to please them. I have also learned that no one’s acceptance is worth me not being true to myself. Anytime I have to try to be something I am not to win approval I am in big trouble.

One of the first things I had to do was let go of the past. I simply could not afford to be haunted by all of the what ifs. I had to purposely choose happiness over pain and suffering. I had to choose to be happy instead of depressed. I had to choose to laugh instead of cry. I had to choose to enjoy my life for the first time in my life. One of the hardest things was to put the real me out there and let the chips fall where they may. No more fake or insincere or hypocritical relationships. When I am true to myself it does not matter if someone else approves of me.

Now don’t get me wrong. I am a work in progress. I do know that it has been necessary for me to change in my life’s journey, but not for the purpose to please someone else so that they will approve or like me, but so that I could be at peace with myself and so I could be the best me I could be. Sometimes it is two steps forward. Sometimes it is one step back. When that happens I try to learn from it and move on.

01/18/2020

There is so much wisdom in the Serenity Prayer. This prayer guides us through the chaos and the pandemonium in our lives. The only problem with this prayer, for me, was the way it had become a chant in my mind and not a resource to help me find a solution to my distress. I would say the words over and over again but at the same time my mind was running ahead trying to solve my problem. Eventually it dawned on me that I was only parroting the words. I need to sincerely pray the words.

“God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,” In the beginning I really struggled with the past and I prayed this prayer because I could not let the past go. Self-pity was smothering me. I had to deal with the past to be able to move on. I can’t rewrite history; I can’t change the past. The only thing I can do with the past is change my attitude about my past. This attitude adjustment did not happen just because I said this prayer; But, saying this prayer did help me to have a sense of peace about what I had to do to be able to let the past go.

“Courage to change the things I can,” The operative word is “things.” The prayer does not ask for courage to change people, it ask for courage to change “things.” I am powerless over my alcoholic’s drinking. I am powerless over his, as well as other people’s, behavior. I am not powerless over how I am going to respond to it. I can allow myself to get sucked into the chaos if I want to, or I can detach. Most of the time when I allow myself to get sucked into the chaos it is not long before that chaos escalates into a full blown catastrophe because I allowed their chaos to make me crazy!!! It is not easy to detach from their insanity. It takes courage to stand up to my fears of “What if?” But the real reality here, is that they are going to do what they want to do whether I like it or not. I can hang on to trying to control the uncontrollable or I can stand up to my fear over what they are doing and mind my own business. So for me it was like praying, God, grant me the serenity to have the courage to not get sucked into their insanity again.

The “wisdom to know the difference” of what I can and cannot change is key to my sanity. I have to confess their have been times that I have tried to change something that I could not change before I got the “wisdom to know the difference.” For me, their has been no clear rules to follow. Asking myself if this is my responsibility; Asking myself what is best for me; Asking myself if I can live with the consequences if things turn our different from how I want them too helps me to have the wisdom to know the difference. But the most important thing is asking for God’s guidance and for Him to help me understand what his will is for me in this situation.

I have found that earnestly praying this prayer has given me a sense of peace that allows me the time and a clear head to take the action I need to take that gives me peace in my life.

01/14/2020

I believe that phrase “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” has a double meaning that applies to our alcoholic/addict in one way and to ourselves in a completely different way. Originally it’s meaning is that a person may have the best intentions in the world, but they just don’t follow through and get it done. There intentions are good. They just don’t do what it takes to make those intentions a reality. You could easily say that phrase applies to all the empty promises of the alcoholic. “I promise it won’t happen again.” “I’ll be home on time.” etc.

Then the flip side of the coin has our picture on it. Our road to hell - is all of the times we believe we are trying to help and it backfires on us. In our program they call it enabling. In our mind we believe that we are only trying to help solve their problem, but in reality we are simply perpetuating the problem and sometimes - we are even making it worse. Our intentions were good and we did follow through- but in the long run our results were bad.

When you think about it, there is not much difference between enabling and meddling. For some reason, to me, enabling doesn’t seem as offensive as meddling. In my mind, enabling is a misguided attempt to help. But meddling has the stigma of being a busy body interfering in someone else’s business when it is non of our business to do so. I never saw myself as meddling. I was only trying to help. But, is there really a difference? What is enabling anyway?

Enabling:
Is doing something for someone that they could and should be doing for themselves.
Deprives them of their responsibilities.
Allows them to continue what they have been doing comfortably without having to pay the consequences for their bad behavior and poor choices.
Is an attempt at control of someone else’s life.
Only contributes to the problem.

Our rights end where someone else’s begin, and their rights end where ours begin. Sometimes the lines between us seem blurred. So how do we know we are enabling? My sponsor had me first look at my motive. Am I doing something for them that they should be doing for themselves? Am I trying to interfere with their consequences? Who am I really doing this for - Is this really the best thing for me? Is this the best thing for them? Is our helping not really helping?

When you think about it when we enable it is like cosigning a loan for someone else. We are putting ourselves up as collateral to guarantee their behavior. We are underwriting their speculative risk - and covering for an alcoholic is definitely a risk. We are saying if they default we will taking on all responsibility - physical, emotional and financial for their behavior. We are saying if they go down - so will we. And in some circumstances, especially financially, we are saying that they could walk a way and we will pay. When we start cosigning a note for their bad behavior they own us. We have choices to make about how we want to live our life and so do they. We can choose to live and let live.

01/13/2020

Understanding and accepting that I was powerless to stop someone I loved from self-destruction did not mean that it did not hurt to watch it happen. I understood it was his life and his right to do what he wanted with his life. What I could not accept was that I should do nothing to try to stop him from his own self-destruction. Even though he had proven to me, over and over again, that he was going to do what he wanted to do whether I liked it or not – I still could not accept that I was powerless to save him from himself.

They say that when it hurts more to stay the way we are than it does to change we will change. It was only when it hurt me more to play tug-of-war over control of his life, than it hurt me to let go of the rope and watch him fall down, was I able to accept my powerlessness. I have learned that there are times in my life that I am going to hurt no matter what decision I make. I learned that as long as I interfered, by trying to control him, the hurt was never ever going to go away.

In reality, my interference was sacrificing both of our lives. The best chance either one of us had, was for me to get out of the way. As he got sicker and sicker, I started on my road to healing and recovery. Even though getting out of his way was painful, it was even more painful when I was sacrificing my life trying to save him.

When I finally got it through my head that my rights ended where his began (and vice-versa), I got out of his way and let him be responsible for his own life. It made me sad to watch him struggle, and it hurt to watch him battle his demons. Just because I chose not to participate in his insanity anymore did not make me a bad wife – because he had the same choice I had for a happy life if he wanted it.

12/20/2019

I ran interference between my alcoholic and his consequences for a long long time. In the beginning I really did not know any better. I thought that I was helping. I thought I was protecting him and our family. What I did not realize, was, that as long as I stood between him and his consequences I was feeding his disease and making it stronger.

In protecting him I hurt myself over and over again, because I became the buffer between him and his reality. It cost me physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually every time I stood between him and his reality. I was so terrified over what could or would happen if I did not ride in on my white horse and save the day.

He was the one that drank but both of us had been ensnared by his disease. I became obsessed with trying to control his alcoholism and it’s symptoms and the effect it had on our lives. I did not see myself as a risk taker or a gambler, but I had a real bad gambling problem when it came to his disease. Every time I enabled his drinking I was more or less underwriting his outrageous, inappropriate and unacceptable behavior. I was gambling that, this time when I rushed in to save the day, that my actions were going to make him see the error of his ways and he would never do it again. I lost every single time and I still went back and did it over and over again.

There was no light bulb moment for me that helped me see that my enabling was not helping but was contributing to the problem. It was a series of small steps that helped me to look at my motive and make decisions based on what was good for me and our children. It was learning more about the disease of alcoholism that helped me to understand how I was selectively participating in the chaos. It was letting go of my pride and talking things out with my sponsor or some other person in the program that helped me to think before I jumped out of the frying pan into the fire.

You might say that through the steps, Serenity prayer, the slogans and the support of people who had walked this walk before me I experienced an extreme makeover to my mind, heart and soul.

12/14/2019

Looking back over how I have lived my life I can see how I allowed other people to use emotional blackmail to manipulate me. Insecurity and fear made me jump through hoops to accommodate the demands of others. What if they got angry, punished me, rejected me, ignored me......

My alcoholic was not worried about the ramifications of his behavior because he had me to worry for both of us. He did not have to worry about the consequences for his unacceptable behavior because I ran interference for his consequences. At one time I would do whatever was necessary to avoid his disappoint or anger, because he felt, and I felt, I was responsible for his bad choices.

As I began to understand where the boundaries were between his life and mine things began to change between us. When I no longer accepted responsibility for his bad choices he tried to manipulate me by trying to make me feel guilty for abandoning him and sometimes it worked.

I allowed, what I thought other people's opinion of me, to run my life. I even based my own opinion of myself on what I thought others thought of me. And, that fear of rejection or condemnation from others made me a certified card carrying codependent.

Retraining my thoughts has been a struggle off and on through my recovery journey. My sponsor said to me that feelings were not facts. Extract the feelings and look at the facts as though they were happening to someone else. That little exercise helped me many times to overcome my denial and justifications. It was easy to live in denial was because for me to acknowledge my reality meant that I would have to change. I'm not talking about changing my circumstances but changing my approach to my life and that scared me.

Looking at myself through the steps has released me from the burden of being responsible for other people's actions and of their opinion of me as well. No one out there can give me self respect. I have learned that in the end the only opinion that really matters is the one that I have of myself.

12/13/2019

When I looked down at the mess that was our life I was overwhelmed trying to figure it all out. I was confused. Part of me wanted my alcoholic to be okay and the other part of me wished terrible things on him. I hated him and loved him. I fantasied about being free and at the same time I desperately tried to hold onto my marriage.
As his alcoholism progress it was no longer possible to hide it from our friends and family. I began to dread social events and family gatherings. He did not get loud obnoxious he got sloppy. Spilling things, dropping things, stumbling and slurring his words. If I tried to push him to do something, like leave, then he would dig in and things definitely when down hill fast. I started dreading the “next time.” This ticked me off so bad and made me resentful. Why did my good time have to be destroyed or missed all together? Why couldn’t he just drink normally or not drink at all?
I wanted him to change so that we could have a normal life. Believe me, I tried everything to make him do what I thought needed to be done. I was nice, I was mean. I begged, pleaded and threatened. Nothing worked. My resentments grew. I was angry. I projected into the future and did not like what I saw. I cried and cried some more.
But he wasn’t the only person I was mad at. I was mad at myself because, for reasons I could not explain, I just could not leave him. I wanted too. I really wanted too. But I wanted someone else to make the decision for me. I was drowning. That is when I knew I desperately needed help. I really did not want to go to those recovery meetings but I had nowhere else to go. I had exhausted all of my family and friends. Everybody had advice and an opinion. No one walked in my shoes they did not understand.
When I first started going to recovery meetings I wanted to talk about him and the things that he did. They told me that this meeting was for and about me and they kept me focused on me and what was going on with me. They told me that I could be happy whether he was drinking or not and I almost walked out. They did not tell me to leave him and they did not tell me to stay. In fact they advised me not to make any major decisions (unless I was in danger) until I had an opportunity to get a little recovery under my belt. But the thing that stood out the most to me is that really did understand what my life was like. They did not judge me and they did not judge my alcoholic.
There is a Chinese Proverb that says, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.” I went to a meeting. That was the first step. They told me that this was a one day at a time program and gave me the following little slogan to help me get from one day to the next - “Just for today, I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a lifetime (unknown author)
Breaking things down to a manageable size and living one day at a time is exactly how I began my journey of a thousand miles. I thank God everyday for helping me to find my recovery program. Because, as I grew, healed and changed, I was more in control of my life and I found a peace I never even knew was possible.

12/12/2019

Technology has transformed how we live out life. We have come to expect instant, or at least a quick and easy way of doing things. Microwaves, online banking and shopping, frozen prepared dinners just to name a few. But there are some things in life that cannot be rushed. It still takes 7 to 9 months for a baby to grow and develop enough in the womb to have the best opportunity to be able to grow and survived outside the womb; an acorn does not become an oak tree overnight.

We didn’t get sick over night and recovery doesn’t happen over night either. For those of us with addiction issues, the addiction part of our recovery happens pretty quick when we surrender. Even though we have given up our addiction, we still have to learn or relearn how to live in the real world without our artificial crutch. Regardless of our hurt, habit or hang-up, all of us we want healing yesterday. But recovery is not instant, not even an overnight transformation, it is a process that takes time. It takes time to understand how we got to this point of desperation in out life, and even when we begin to understand, it still takes time to retrain automatic reflexes too past hurts.

But, regardless of how we try to manage things in our life, we can only live One Day At A Time. One Day At A Time is just reminding us to break things down into manageable pieces. One Day At A Time we practice the Steps and God’s Word in all our affairs. Living One Day At A Time without positive change in our life is of no value. It is possible for a person to live miserable One Day At A Time for the rest of their life. But for those of us in recovery living One Day At A Time by it’s self is not enough. It is the total recovery package of peace, joy and happiness that transforms our life into the life God planned for us in the first place.

There is a One Day At A Time quote that says Just For Today “I will try to live through this day only and not tackle my whole life problem at once. I can do something for twelve hours that would appall me if I felt I had to keep it up for a life time.”

We can agonize over the past all we want too. We can live in perpetual fear of what is going to happen in the future, but no matter what, we do not have the ability to be transported back in time to change things in our past. All of the would have’s, should have’s, could have’s don’t mean a hill of beans; What was done in the past is history to us now. At the same time not one-second of worry will change or ensure that the future will turn out the way we want it to turn out.

We only have this one day that is available to us right now. We may not even have a tomorrow. Therefore, what we do this day, this moment in time has great significance. We do what we can do today and then take care of tomorrow - tomorrow. It is not that we should not plan for tomorrow, of course we should plan for tomorrow, as long as we realized that the results were up to God.

12/11/2019

This post is about getting through the Holidays for people in recovery. I am a woman of faith and this post will include a couple of scriptures. This post and all the other ones I post are based on my own personal recovery journey and my own personal beliefs. You don’t have to agree with me. My feelings will not be hurt.

I don’t know what it is about the holidays that brings out the best and the worse in people. Often times the phone calls and emails we receive seem to triple during the holidays. The key for those of us in recovery is to not allow the chaos and drama of other people suck us in.

The Serenity Prayer has been my life line during these times. It reminds me to mind my own business. There are things that I can and cannot change. Just because it is the holidays and we are thrown together with a lot of different personalities that we don’t usually have together all at one time, does not mean that we have to sacrifice our serenity being the police of the family gatherings.

The things that I cannot change are the untreated dependent and codependent personalities in the room. I can’t change how they think or what they do with their life, but I do have the power to stop myself from getting sucked into their sickness. There are certain key words and phrases that I use a lot - like “really,” “you don’t say,” “no kidding,” I’ll think about it.” I am not agreeing or disagreeing and am I not engaging in the sickness either.

I also use the slogan “How Important Is It” to remind myself that just because someone is trying to push my buttons it does not mean that I have to respond. If what they are saying has no impact or influence on my life it is not important enough for me to challenge what they are saying. What difference does it make anyway. Foolish talk is foolish talk. Proverbs 26: 4-5 tells us, “Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you will also be like him.” In other words If I engage or defend myself To foolish talk then I am foolish too. I know what I think, what I believe and what I feel. I do not have to explain, defend or justify it to someone who is still messing up their life.

Our slogan “Let it begin with me” reminds me that my actions say more than my words can ever say. Engaging in rude and unacceptable behavior of others only adds fuel to the fire. I have learned to first minimize my exposure to miserable people. Second, I try not to sit next to them at the table. If possible I avoid engaging in a conversation that is more than a few minutes before I excuse myself to go to the bathroom or do something that will disentangle myself from spending time talking with that person. Sometimes when exposure can’t be avoided I keep reminding myself that they are the sick one and I am the one in recovery. Proverbs 29: 9-11, “there’s no use arguing with a fool. He only rages and scoffs, and tempers flare. The Godly pray for those who long to kill them. A rebel shouts in anger; a wise man holds his temper in and cools it.” While they are running their mouth I pray for them and somehow it helps me get through it. I have also learned that kindness goes a long way. Many times a simple act of kindness has neutralized a difficult situation.

Of course some people are so caustic that not any of those things work. Proverbs 18: 2-3, “fools have no interest in understanding; they only want to air their own opinions.That is when I am pleasant but firm in my dealings with them. My grandma always said you cannot hug a porcupine and she is right. I don’t even try.

When I first started my recovery journey I was on a pink cloud and I wanted everyone to learn what I was learning in my recovery programs. No one wanted to hear it. They thought I had become a fanatic. I know now that it is not my words but my actions that is important. I also know that no one will accept this journey until they are ready and it is their idea.

Guidelines to consider for the holidays: This list is not original but taken from serval different post and articles about getting through the holidays.

******* Pray and seek God’s wisdom and guidance.

1 - Put the fun in dysfunction.

2 - Don’t expect people to change.

3 - Control what you can control - you and your reaction- and don’t stress yourself out trying to control the uncontrollable.

4 - Find reasons to be grateful.

5 - Brush it off - it seems that the holidays bring out the best and the worst in people - in other words - in the grand scheme of things how important is it.

6 - Stay away from off potentially upsetting topics.

7 - Throw guilt out the window.

8 - Don’t try to fix difficult people - God is still in control.

9 - Be willing to walk away.

10 - Seek out people who value you.

11 - Keep your expectations realistic.

12 - Keep in mind you are in charge of what you do.

13 - Be kind but firm.

14 - Stay grateful.

15 - Recognize the insanity and don’t participate.

16 - When all else fails......Hide.

Codependent Life

01/25/2020

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01/20/2020

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12/20/2019

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